yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
