Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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