i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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