Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
