I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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