a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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