I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
