$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
