you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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