I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
