I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
