i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
