I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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