how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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