I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
my liver is dry heaving
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
