The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
