I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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