she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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