I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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