dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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