Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
