I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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