Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
