This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
