Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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