Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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