Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
