Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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