I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
