All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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