I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
