I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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