If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
