you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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