You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
