I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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