anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
