Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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