my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
