i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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