Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
my liver is dry heaving
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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