My cat gives me a boner
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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