my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
