I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
