I like my sex mixed with concussions.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
