And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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