Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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