like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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