Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
