if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
