Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I can't put those talents on a resume
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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